Role Nausea, or How to Not Get Sucked Under
Just as families do, organizations and teams have roles, too. Leader. Fixer. Communicator. Follower. Questioner. Avoider. Philosophizer. When someone joins the organization or team, the system shifts slightly. People may retain the roles they had occupied, adding or shedding new aspects of new or vacated roles, they might step into new roles altogether, or they might exit the team. Systems, be they familial or organizational, are not static.
Relationship systems rely on roles for their organization and execution of functions. Roles belong to the system, not to the individuals that inhabit the system.
To tie this back to coaching, I have pondered relationships, roles, and what to do when tired of and overwhelmed by a role. So, this month, this almost August, I’m writing to work through these questions:
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What are the roles in my system?
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How am I playing into these systemic roles?
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How do I step out of one role and into another?
Who's Got the Monkey? How Healthy Boundaries and Responsibility Help You Help Yourself
What do monkeys have to do with boundaries? So much, as it turns out, and now is an excellent time to identify what boundaries are and what boundaries are not. Plainly put, boundaries are the limits we set with other people that indicate what we find acceptable and unacceptable in their behavior towards us. As Henry Cloud says, “Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me a sense of freedom.” My own father says, so very wisely, I might add, “You get what you tolerate.”
The Radical Kindness of Good Boundaries
Boundaries are a marker, a line. On one side of the line, you feel safe, secure, but on the other side, you might feel unmoored, violated, unsafe. Boundaries exist to keep us safe, be it physically or psychologically. Brene Brown has a line that I love and repeat often: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” When we are clear about our boundaries and our values, we feel secure. When we are unclear, it is all too easy for that line to be crossed, and we then feel ignored, unseen, of no value to others. Boundaries are a reflection of our values. When our values are threatened, who we are as a human is threatened, too.