The Radical Kindness of Good Boundaries
Here in Montana, my parents have four dogs: Ruby, Pearl, Matti, and Bob. All are lovely dogs, some more ancient, others more active, and then there is Bob. Bob is a Great Pyrenees, one of those gigantic white dogs bred to protect sheep herds in the mountains. They’ll take on anything they deem to be a threat to those in their charge: wolves, bears, mountain lions, fires, anything. These protective qualities are excellent, but it does result in a lot of…barking. Bob spends his nights patrolling the fence lines, alerting all to his presence. Bob is doing his job: protecting his boundaries.
Boundaries, limits, agreements, alliances—these are top of mind for me as of late. I see bullying, anger, fear, shaming, overstepping, caution, reticence, ignoring, and more, all manner of behaviors as we struggle to find new ways to be together. You see, boundaries are a marker, a line. On one side of the line, you feel safe, secure, but on the other side, you might feel unmoored, violated, unsafe. Boundaries exist to keep us safe, be it physically or psychologically. Brene Brown has a line that I love and repeat often: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” When we are clear about our boundaries and our values, we feel secure. When we are unclear, it is all too easy for that line to be crossed, and we then feel ignored, unseen, of no value to others. Boundaries are a reflection of our values. When our values are threatened, who we are as a human is threatened, too.
So, that jangling, uncomfortable feeling you get when someone walks over your boundaries? That is actually a violated value, lighting up, warning you that something is wrong. Something you hold dear is not being respected. Pay attention when you feel uncomfortable. Your body is trying to tell you something.
This clears up what boundaries are and why they are important, but what about holding those boundaries, not letting them get violated in the first place? Don’t worry—that part comes next.
Designing an Alliance
As a coach, one of the first things I do with an individual client is to design an alliance. An alliance is a container, a safe space in which a professional relationship can be conducted. Because it is designed by the people in that working relationship, it is customized to meet our specific, particular needs, honoring our boundaries and values. The alliance reflects the merged efforts of both parties and sets realistic expectations on both sides on what it means to work together. Because we take the time to get clear on what we need at the beginning, we head off potential problems down the road. We’ve also set a pattern of talking about the hard things, making it easier for us to do so again in the future if the need arises.
Questions to Consider when Designing Alliances
Why is this working relationship important to you? To the organization?
What are you looking for in a coworker? In an advocate? In a leader?
What does effective communication look like for you?
How do you know that I have heard you?
If something is going poorly or not as planned, what is the best way for me to communicate this information to you?
What is the best way for me to ask you for help?
What is the best manner for you to convey information or concerns to one another?
What do you need from the other person in order to feel that you are being respected?
What behavior makes it hard for you to function/listen/move forward?
Chartering Teams
Bob, Surveying His Kingdom
When I coach teams teams or executive boards, I often start with chartering work. A team charter is similar to an alliance in that we’re making specific the rules of our relationship or engagement, but there is an added level of formality to it. One of my favorite tools to use when chartering a team is the Team Canvas template. It covers the team’s purpose, its values, expected norms and behavior, team goals, individual goals, rules of engagement, and so on, plus it gives me a chance to teach some basics like affinity grouping, fist of five, dot and Roman voting. By the end of the session, the team is clear on it’s purpose, how it wants to be, and has a language in place to help it get there.
If you’d like to see examples of a designed alliance, a team charter facilitation, or to see the Mural board I’ve created for the latter activity, contact me and I’m happy to share. (And yes, this is an example of the Agile pillar of transparency as well as the Scrum value of openness. It’s also just a good human thing of sharing things that could be useful to other people.)
Remember that quote from the beginning of this post? “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” Step into that statement. Practice it. Be clear about where your boundaries are and what you need in order to feel secure. Tell people what you need, listen to what they need, and find a way forward in which both parties feel acknowledged, listened to, and valued. In doing so, you practice radical kindness for others as well as yourself.
Bob is outside again, getting ready to bark. He’s protecting his boundaries, keeping us safe, in the only way he knows how, and I have to respect that. After all, he’s been very clear about those boundaries from the very beginning. Good dog, Bob, good dog.
Photo credit for this blogpost is Linda Nickell. Find her on Instagram as @coznlinda.