Who's Got the Monkey? How Healthy Boundaries and Responsibility Help You Help Yourself
Note: In August 2022, I gave a live version of this talk to The Future of Work Scotland, hosted by Sathpal Singh and Donald Henderson. You can watch this interactive presentation—which was really a conversation amongst myself and the attendees—here.
One of my favorite articles ever published is the Harvard Business Review classic “Management Time: Who’s Got the Monkey?” by William Onken, Jr. and Donald Wass. It’s clear, it’s pithy, and it’s visual—readers see the monkey move from one person to another. I’ve shared this article with organizations, teams, and clients for years. And once they read it, they understand my question of, “So, where’s the monkey?” and they can laugh along with me. Huzzah!
A couple of months ago, I shared this same monkey article with an old friend, thinking that they would not only find it humorous, but they might appreciate the underlying message as much as I do. I was right—they loved it! My friend then used the article as an impetus for a conversation with their organization about outside work entering their system, about communication and boundaries that helped their organization to see its monkeys and to begin making changes.
Before you continue with this post, go read “Management Time: Who’s Got the Monkey?” I’ll wait right here until you finish. What I write about here will make so much more sense with the appropriate simian foundation.
So, who’s got the monkey?
Follow the Monkey
Consider the following:
How much of the work you or your system is doing is “hidden?”
What percentage of work is not actually valuable, important?
How much work are you doing that really belongs elsewhere?
Let me start with an example.
Several years ago, I responded to a message from a coworker wanting to talk about agile metrics and implementation for their current project. I called the person (because we value people over processes!), and we talked for 10-15 minutes. We covered what they were hoping to measure and why as well as where other programs in the organization that we doing similar efforts.
At the end of the call, the person said, “So, you’re going to research this some more and get back to me?”
And that is when I saw the monkey, arms out, ready to leap to me. (And I swear, that monkey was smiling at me as it prepared to jump onto my back.)
“No,” I said. “This issue belongs to you. I’ve provided some links and books for suggested reading, and I’m happy to talk to you in the future about this regarding questions you have from that reference material, but the continued research and final decision on what to do stays with you.”
The person was a bit taken aback by my response. I imagine that they were thinking that I’d be happy to do the deeper digging and report back. After all, I was the coach, right, and I was supposed to be helpful?
What would have happened if I’d said, “Sure, let me work on this and get back to you.”?
Grinding to a halt—In putting aside my own work, I would have impeded forward momentum on work deemed valuable by my director, my team and my system. Yes, the research monkey had value, but that value was primarily to someone else.
Scapegoat—If I had picked up this monkey, I was essentially making myself someone else’s scapegoat, an excuse as to why work wasn’t moving forward. In daily scrum, the person had the “Oh, that is being researched,” but no real accountability.
Reference silo—I’d have solidified some knowledge for myself, the person on the other end of the phone would have learned to use me as an Agile reference library that could solve problems for them, and they would continue to either get work done or not done. They would have learned little other than to ask me for what they needed.
Helpful versus useful—This is a common trap for coaches: coaches are supposed to help, and the easiest way to be helpful is by giving advice, telling them what to do, getting them to a different state. But let’s flip this. As coaches, we are not there to be helpful, we are there to be useful. If we are always “helping” systems and teams and the people we coach by picking up their monkeys, then we are reinforcing Karpman’s drama triangle.
Think what you might, but my refusal to adopt their monkey was a difficult moment for me. Being helpful, being of service, saying “yes” to requests that come to me—that is hardwired into my way of being and working. It’s an opportunity for me to connect with others, to share the knowledge I’ve worked hard to build. By not adopting a monkey, I honored my boundaries and remained focused on my own work.
If you return to those questions I asked at the beginning of this section, you can suddenly see how monkeys in the wrong section of the zoo can derail a system’s progress towards its outcomes. When you adopt a monkey, you jeopardize the results that your system must achieve
Walking the Line, or Understanding Boundaries
What do monkeys have to do with boundaries? So much, as it turns out, and now is an excellent time to identify what boundaries are and what boundaries are not. Plainly put, boundaries are the limits we set with other people that indicate what we find acceptable and unacceptable in their behavior towards us. As Henry Cloud says, “Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me a sense of freedom.” My own father says, so very wisely, I might add, “You get what you tolerate.”
Boundaries are…
Respectful
Clear
Consistent
Boundaries are not…
Punitive
Hesitant
Occasional
When you have porous, weak boundaries, you are often held hostage to everyone else’s needs but seldom your own. Your own work, and by extension your team’s work or your organization’s work, takes a back seat because you’re so busy fixing and attending to others’ issues. This problem snowballs. As you cede control over what you do and how you spend your time, you lose control. Because others know that your boundaries are weak or non-existent, they will often expect you to be on call for their needs, without regard for the impact on you or your work systems. Once you’ve lost control, it’s difficult to get it back. Suddenly, that monkey just became a gorilla. If you think monkeys are difficult to control, wait until you try a gorilla. “No one will listen to us unless we first listen to ourselves,” says Marianne Williamson. You are your first responsibility.
Don’t Forget Responsibility!
When I first began to think and to write about monkeys and boundaries, it was inevitable that I also think about how communication plays in, namely DISC profiles. I was specifically looking at individuals that fall within the “I” quadrant, the Influencers. But then I backtracked as DISC assessments felt very broad and not quite the right fit for how my thinking on this topic was evolving. Christopher Avery’s Responsibility Process, however—now we’re talking!
Avery popularized his responsibility process as a behavioral-science framework that helps people to see how their own responsibility works to do one of the following: to keep them stuck where they are or to move them forward. Here are four of the common blocks to standing in responsibility.
Blame—When in blame, we hold others at fault for causing something that affects us. If I was angry with that coworker because I spent time researching their issue instead of focusing on my own work, then I would be blaming them for getting me to pick up their monkey. I gave my power away, and this would not be a responsible act by me.
Justify—In justification, I use excuses for things being the way they are. How often have you heard, “Oh, that’s just how we do things around here. No use trying to change that.” Excuses remove the responsibility from behavior, justifying that lack of ownership. External forces—something out there, someone else—must change before I change. In justification, I’ve removed myself from responsibility.
Shame—”But don’t you want to help me? A thoughtful, conscientious, nice colleague would help me with this.” Shame is a powerful motivator, or demotivator, for that matter. Blaming one’s self, which can be felt as guilt, could weigh me down. Or, I can remove myself from shame and refuse to pick up that monkey.
Obligation—Have you ever heard someone say, ”I don’t have a choice in this. I’m powerless. I’m only doing what I am obligated to do.” Yes, sometimes we do work that we are not enthusiastic about or sometimes don’t want to do, but we can choose our mindset and how we approach that work. Responsibility is a choice, not an obligation.
So, going back to my colleague and the agile research monkey, how did I create, choose, or attract this monkey?
And with this question, I’m suddenly standing in responsibility. I have the power and the ability to find and solve the real problem. I can determine what it is that I really want from a situation or how to move forward and do what is next. If coworkers keep giving me their monkeys, then what am I doing to create that situation? What do I need to change so that I am not weighed down by work that does not belong to me? In responsibility, I’m clear about what I want and the direction in which I am going.
It’s All About the Options
By now, you’re likely beginning to see how monkeys, boundaries, and responsibility all work together. Add in psychological safety, feedback, and communication, and powerful, clean questions and a clearer picture begins to take shape. Communicating boundaries and practicing responsibility takes deliberate practice, and lots of it. So, if you’re looking to practice holding your own boundaries, responsibly, and not adopting any monkeys, try these things:
Own your decision. Ask yourself, “Where am I free, powerful, and at choice,” and then decide what your next step is. Own that decision. If I had accepted the agile-metric monkey that a coworker was trying to pass to me, I was not at choice—I was at my colleague’s choice. They may have thought that their dilemma was more important than my other initiatives, but neither I nor the system I served would have agreed.
Be a mentor. Yes, mentoring, that pay-it-forward act where you plant trees under which you will not enjoy the shade. Mentors can model what having and holding appropriate boundaries looks like, and mentees can ask for feedback about how you are setting your own boundaries. (Do you like how I worked in some practicing about giving and receiving feedback here, too?)
Don’t fix the problem for someone else. If a coworker or colleague doesn’t know how to do something, don’t take over their work and deliver a completed product for them. Instead, ask them to put a specific amount of time on your calendar. You can work together, analyzing the issue, transferring knowledge, building connection. You’re not fixing the problem for them, you’re fixing the problem with them. Best of all, they are a giant step closer to being a self-sufficient expert.
Set regular office hours. If you are a specialist, the go-to expert on a particular tool, consider setting regular office hours where people with questions on that topic can book time to work through a particular issue. You’re still responsive to colleagues and sharing your knowledge, but your generosity is on your terms.
Ask your own questions. I couldn’t write a post this long, this in depth, without modeling questions that could help you to strengthen and to hold your own boundaries.
If I say yes to this, to what am I saying no?
What is the most valuable thing for me to do?
How does this serve the desired outcome for me? For my team? For my organization?
What am I tolerating?
From where am I free, powerful, and at choice?
What do I want to create in this situation?
What is my responsibility in this moment?
In Closing
What do I have against monkeys?
Nothing, not a darn thing. In fact, I am pro-monkey, you might say, as long as that is my monkey. But as I have lots of monkeys, some might even say an entire primate habitat at a zoo, I need to be mindful and clear about what I’m doing and why. I must care and care responsibly for my own monkeys, and that means healthy, respectful boundaries in all systems. I want this not only for me, but for every person, every system.
Let’s return to the question I asked at the beginning of this post: Who’s got the monkey?
Because that is just it, that is the question that you must ask yourself every time you raise your hand or add new work to your system. The simple act of asking, “Who’s got the monkey?” provides clarity and awareness. When you ask the question, you see the monkey.
Gratitude
I may have been the person to first send her the monkey article, but Michelle Plasz kickstarted my thinking about monkeys and boundaries and communication. Dino Zafirakos and Gaby Aragon, two of my regular conspirators, helped me to do some fine-tuning about the Responsibility Process.
Heather Foster of Star Street Creative created the visuals for this month’s work. (Heather made that fantastic icon of me you see on the accompanying Mural board–it even includes my necklace! And glasses! And she dresses like me!) I’m good with words, but she helps me to think clearly and creatively about what I want to do with my work. Her images are visually resonant and help to tell the story of the work at hand.
As they are every month, the image used for this blog post was captured by Linda Nickell on one of her recent adventures to Costa Rica. Connect with her on Instagram as @coznlinda, or join in on Wednesday evenings for her Happiness Hour. Details, upcoming presentations, and links to past recordings can be found on her site. You can also find her on YouTube.