Listen Up, or the Difficulties of Auditory Processing
I’ve never liked loud noise. Never ever ever. I don’t remember admonishments to turn down my stereo or to turn down my Walkman (yes, I’m old enough to have had a Walkman). Loud noise makes me anxious and scared. Ongoing alarms and sirens are enough to send me nearly to panic.
Previously, I’ve talked about questions as the care and feeding of human connection. And they are. A good question shows that someone is paying attention, they’re thinking about you, that they’re honoring your space in their circle. A good question shows care, interest, our dedication to maintaining that relationship. Good questions build better relationships.
If a good question is generosity, a blessing, that gift is only made possible if I first listen. What about listening makes it so difficult for us as humans to do?
There Is Listening, and Then There Is Active Listening
How many of us have ever had a parent or spouse ask, “Are you listening to me or are you just hearing what I say?”
The Six Steps of Active Listening
Hearing is simply the act of perceiving sound by the ear. If you are not hearing-impaired, hearing simply happens. Listening, however, is something you consciously choose to do. Listening requires concentration so that your brain processes meaning from words and sentences.
Clearly, there is a difference and an important one. If we hear someone, we’re really just waiting—impatiently, most likely—until it is our turn to speak. But if we listen, we’ve let go of being the focus of the conversation. Instead, we’re paying attention to what matters: the other person.
Active listening is a required skill for good communication, teaching, facilitating. However, it is not the type of listening we need in coaching conversations.
Levels of Listening
This is old territory, covered by most any coaching curriculum, but it is worth mentioning here again. (Plus I have lovely graphics!)
The Three Levels of Listening
Level-1 Listening: Internal—This is you, listening to your inner voice. As humans, we spend most of our time in level-1 listening.
Level-2 Listening: Focused—This is you, listening intently to another person.
Level-3 Listening: Global—This is you, listening to another or others in the context of their surroundings.
When I listen during a coaching conversation, I listen with my entire body. I listen to what is going on around us, to what is coming up in me, to what isn’t being said. I listen to the silence. I listen to everything, for everything. The most amazing questions well up inside of me when I make space for them.
SoulCycle, Ear Plugs, and Practical Advice for Better Listening
Before readjusting our family budget for me to start a business and the fun of a global pandemic, I had a pretty consistent (meaning expensive) SoulCycle habit. Most weekday mornings, I could be found on bike 19, singing along with Pink and wearing myself out before my day started. (My coaching is better when I’m not spending too much time in my head, and exercise helps me with that.) I loved the community and doing something draining and difficult before the sun came up. What was hard for me about SoulCycle, however, was the noise. As I stated earlier, I’m just not good with loud noise.
And that is when I discovered ear plugs. Those nice people at SoulCycle realized that loud music was not everyone’s thing, they supplied ear plugs there at the front desk. I rejoiced, snagging a pair on my way in. Once I realized how much noise ear plugs cut, I started to wear them…everywhere. At work. On planes. At home, when I just need some peace and to not listen to shows devoted to cars. When I wear ear plugs, I’m better able to focus. My concentration increases, and I’m better able to give myself the deep time that much of my work requires.
“The quieter you become, the more you are able to hear.”
— Rumi
Make a conscious decision to listen to the other person, not just hear what they are saying.
Check your biases at the door, keeping an open mind and withholding any judgements that may arise.
Limit the signals that your brain is trying to process. Turn your phone to silent and close your computer.
Honor the person with whom you are speaking with your full attention.
Watch how your relationship with that person changes and unfolds simply because they feel like they are worth someone listening to them.
Listening is a challenge for us because we’ve lost the habit. We can relearn that skill, however, if only we have enough humility to begin. I have faith that we do.
“In an age of constant movement, there is nothing more important than sitting still.”
— Pico Iyer