The Right Headspace for Coaching
“I’m just not in the right headspace for coaching right now.”
I don’t hear this very often, but when I do, I hear that person’s saboteur or impostor kicking in. And I feel for the person, because if that saboteur can get the person to say something like that out loud, then I can only imagine the other things being whispered inside their head. They are probably saying things like this:
“You’re not good enough for coaching.”
“You’re just wasting her time and your money. Why would she ever want to work with you?”
“You’re not worth this. There are so many other things you should really focus on that you really need to do. You’re such a screw up, and you’ll just fall back to where you are.”
And if I’m honest with myself, I’ve said this, too. I’ve told myself that I’ll do <name scary important thing here that I’m afraid to do> when I’m in a better headspace or when I’ve gotten my act together or when I finally am doing the things that I should.
So, just what is the right headspace for coaching? Let’s explore.
Stuff My Dad Says
My dad is a veterinarian, the Montana version of Scottish veterinarian and author James Herriott. For the past 50 years, dad has worked with horses, cattle, buffalo. He vaccinates puppies, spays cats, sutures wounds, and fixes broken everything. For years, I have listened to him talk to ranchers and clients and animal owners of every stripe. He’s said many things that I admire over the years, but this one sticks with me.
“When you’re doing something to them, not for them, it’s time to let go.”
Coaching is for you, not to you. It’s time to let go of thinking that there is a single, perfect time to do the work because there is no such time. The right headspace for coaching is the headspace you’re in. It’s not right, it’s not wrong, it’s where you are now. Let’s use that as our starting point and work from there.
Onions and Lotus Blossoms
As an agile coach, I’ve talked about the “agile onion” with teams and organizations. It’s a great metaphor, one that resonates and holds true. Tools and practices are at the center of the onion, and as the organization matures in its practices and principles and values, its mindset begins to shift. (Simon Powers and Adventures with Agile does some great work on this front.)
When I think about individual coaching, however, a different metaphor, a different visual comes to mind: the lotus blossom. But let me backtrack a bit.
Just after university, I entered the Peace Corps, teaching English in Outer Mongolia. Before we were sent off to our sites, however, we spent three months in the capital city, Ulaanbaatar. We had a crash course in basic Mongolian, how to teach English as a foreign language, and how to survive Mongolian winters. But in those three months I spent in UB (what everyone calls Ulaanbaatar), something magical happened: the Dalai Lama visited Mongolia. For a week, I walked past the Dalai Lama every morning on the way to training. One morning, I screwed my courage to the sticking place and entered the queue. I bowed my head and filed past him, receiving the seed of a lotus blossom in red crepe paper from one of his assistants. I still have that lotus blossom, both the physical seed as well as the memory of standing in front of the Dalai Lama. That memory remains with me as one of the cherished moments of my life.
Back to now: what if we thought of our coaching relationship as that lotus blossom? The individual lotus petals are what you bring to our work: bravery, courage, openness, honesty, curiosity, faith, powerful questions, desire, and at the very center of the blossom is you. Over the years, I’ve coached many people, and each person blooms differently. However, I have noticed similarities amongst the people that transform with regards to how they approach our coaching work.
Bravery—Coaching takes bravery, courage, a willingness to go deep. I’ll ask you to answer the questions that you’ve avoided, to sit with something you’ve never yet been able to stand, to get really clear on your values and boundaries. This work will challenge you to look under the mental rocks that you’ve walked by for most of your life. And yes, it takes bravery to do this.
Openness and Honesty—As a coach, I’m all about asking those big, powerful questions, the questions designed to rock you back and make you think. I’m going to ask them, but I’m hoping to see that you’re open to answering them. Before you can be honest with me, you need to be honest with yourself. Telling me what you think I want to hear will not serve you.
Curiosity—What is it like to be curious about you? What is behind a reaction? How do you want to change? Curiosity is a gift, especially if you use it to listen more closely to your own self.
Coaching, be it for an individual or a team or an organization, exists because we want something different. Good coaching creates change, but great coaching evokes transformation. Change is nice, but I’m really after transformation. I want the lotus blossom for you.
So, what headspace is the right space in which to begin coaching? The one that you’re in. Remember, lotus blossoms are closed at the beginning, too. Coaching is how you open, to bloom fully.
Image for this post provided by Linda Nickell. Follow her work on Instagram as @coznlinda.