Unraveling with Questions...

Some time ago, a longtime client texted me the image associated with this post and wrote, “Talking to you feels like this.” I have to be honest: that felt like one of the best compliments I had ever received. To be valued and know that I am creating value for someone else—that was such a gift. And yes, I sniffled a bit when I read it.

Fast-forward to now, some months later. While at a recent meetup, a friend recounted the story of her aunt picking apart a recent knitting attempt, which is always a challenge near small children and cats. As the aunt undid the work, my friend made space around the knots. “Whatever you’re doing, it’s working,” said the aunt. By making space within the tangles, she made it easier for her aunt to unravel the mess.

And that got me to thinking: are good questions a way to add space around a knot?

Well yes, they are, and the metaphor works in so many ways. Good questions function as fresh oxygen to a hypoxic climber, as fresh blood for the body heals a wound or an infection, as sunlight to a dank and moldy basement. Good questions change the environment by providing a different perspective or a reframing of an issue. Good questions make space within a conversation so that we can see something new. Good questions help to untangle the knot.

This leads me back to the original graphic, of tangled jumbles transformed usable, balled yarn. I’m wondering if I have done a disservice to this client, well-intentioned as it may have been. That individual doesn’t need me to make sense of what was said, but they do need me to ask good questions, to create space around the issue to make it easier for them to make their own sense and to find their own way through. I’m not here to rewind their skein of yarn but rather to hold the yarn for them as they knit.

Ouch. Just…ouch. Where I had pride around being of service, perhaps my own humility was a greater need.

As a coach, I work very hard at asking good questions at the right time. It’s a subject I speak on regularly, and one about which I am passionate. And as I sit here, writing, ruminating, unraveling, it’s a subject at which I will to continue to work. My heart is in the right place, and going forward, I want my questions to be, too.